Feb 7

Waiting. This word has come to mean much more to me lately than it has ever meant in my whole life. Just about everything I am involved in in the last month and a half has involved waiting. I wait for results, I wait for meals, I wait for my doctor to come, I wait for the nurse to come, I just plain wait. I wait in my room all day long for the next day to come, I wait for the next hour to come, I sometimes wait for the next minute to come. I wait for Deb to come back, I wait for the dietician to call, I wait for the sun to go down. I wait. Waiting has in some ways been a curse to me, nothing seems to happen quickly, and I dearly want it too. I want to be done with this disease, and I want to move on and live my life now! Sometimes in life, however, we don't get what we want and we just have to make the best of what comes along. That's what I'm dealing with right now, making the best of my current situation, and waiting. I am learning to be patient in all this, more patient than I have ever been. It's much different than anything else I've done in my life. Usually when problems come along we can actively do things to take care of them. I like to be proactive when I am faced with problems, I want to take action. In this case, however, there is not much I can do except follow the doctor's instructions. I not only cannot be proactive or take action, for the most part I must be inactive and stay in my hospital room and I am very limited to what I can actually do. Even when I was allowed to go home, I was very limited in the things I could actually do, as my blood counts weren't all the way back to normal for a lot of that time. And so I wait, and realize that I am not the only person in the world who has had to go thru this or any situation like it. I think of all the people who have had leukemia, gone thru all the waiting, and have survived. I think of people who have been prisoners of war for years, and have survived. I know for a fact (and many of you may know of some) that there are many, many instances of things that people have gone thru that are much worse than mine, and have survived. And so I wait, knowing that I can do what I must do, but also knowing that I have help. I know that because I have given my life to God, that although I may have to go thru something unpleasant, God will be there for me. God, the One Who created this world, Who keeps it going, is there to help me, Ernie Brady and I feel like I'm the luckiest guy in the whole world.
IN HIS HANDS,
Ernie

Feb 6

Not much happened today, my doctor didn't come by but my counts were still ok. I was applying eye drops every 6 hours to prevent pink eye until last night and that's done.

Feb 5

Boy did I eat too much yesterday, I guess that's what Super Bowl parties are all about! My counts are still good and I had my Hickman catheter dressing changed today. It has to be changed every 7 days at the longest. Deb had two doctor appts today, she was released from her podiatrist and got 30 more days off from the Kaiser doctor to cope with my illness. My doctor told me that I would possibly be able to go home in one week, but she's not sure yet, she has to keep an eye on me for a while.

Feb 4

I finished my last chemo bag last night and don't feel too bad. My teeth and gums are a little sore, which happened last time and my chest seems a little sore but other than that I feel good. The room they put me in last night has a decent view. They have metal plates that deflect the sun in the morning so the room doesn't get hot, but they are like slats and I can see thru the 5 inch gaps between them. It looks like a beautiful Super Bowl Sunday out there and I wish I were at home, but the sooner I get thru all this the sooner I'll be done with it all. //Deb came down with Chinese food for lunch and for the game she brought candy, cookies, celery & peanut butter, and the onion rolls. The onion rolls are made by taking green onions and ham slices. You spread Philadelphia cream cheese on the ham and roll it around the onion and eat it, mmm good! Needless to say we didn't go hungry! Talk to you tomorrow!

Feb 3

It's Sat and the last day of my chemo. I have one bag dripping now and will get another one at 10pm tonight and then we just watch my counts go down and back up again. Tomorrow is the Super Bowl and Deb and I are going to watch it together. She is going to fix some snacks but we don't know what I can have yet, we have to wait for tomorrow's blood counts to see if I can have certain foods. I did fine with the bag of chemo this morning and feel good. It sounded like my doctor thought that I might get out a little sooner this time than last time (4 weeks). I sure hope so, "Ernies Angels" are planning on being part of the school chapel on Mar 2nd, so I'd really like to go see it and meet the kids. This whole experience has made me think about life, and the way I would have like to live it. I wish now that I would have made certain decisions much differently, but I guess that's just a part of who I am. Knowing that God has forgiven me for the things I've done wrong is so comforting I can't begin to describe it, it has brought a great peace to my life because God doesn't go back on His promises. If any of you out there would like to be forgiven, please go back to my journal on Jan 5th and read thru Jan 10th. No matter what you've done in your life, God will forgive you, and if you're one of those people who think they don't sin as much as most people so they think they'll get to heaven because of it because they're not that bad and have done good things in their life, it's even more important that you read Jan 5th thru Jan 10th!!! At about 8:30pm they came and said we are moving rooms to a private room in a few minutes. This is good for them because I have been in a room with two beds and now they can put two people in it. With my certain chemo I have had to be in reverse isolation so I couldn't be roomed with anyone else. It's not so good for us because Deb now has to sleep in the chair/bed again and not in a regular bed. Oh well, God is still taking good care of us! God bless you all!
IN HIS HANDS,
Ernie

Feb 2

I had another good night's sleep aside from the necessary visits from the nurses. I finished yesterday's second dose of chemo at about 12:30 this morning and I feel good except for some constipation and they said they would take care of that. Deb is having breakfast with friends and family so she'll be down a little later in the day. My counts are all still normal but they aren't expected to drop drastically for a while. My Hickman catheter is still working well, they have been able to draw blood from it so I don't have to get stuck every time they need blood. The last two weeks of my last stay they weren't able to draw blood from it, but this last Mon when I came back they put something in it to disolve the clotting and it's been working well every since. Another small victory!!! LOL!!! I wanted to thank you all out there again who have been praying for me, especially "ERNIE'S ANGELS" at Desert Christian School. Having a 5th grade class take me on as a mission project is totally awesome and I am really honored that they would do that for me!!! Those of you who pray I know it's not easy sometimes, life happens and we don't find the time to pray, I do it myself. It makes you feel different about it when you're on the receiving end so thank you, thank you, thank you!!! My constipation is gone now!!! I have an appointment with the bone marrow transplant doctor on March 6th to find out what we have to do and what is involved. My transplant will be done at City of Hope Hospital and possibly my next round of chemo too. My brother and sisters will be tested as possible donors but they will try to use my own marrow first. The best chance for a match is with your siblings, even better than with your own kids. There is a period of about 3 or 4 months after the transplant when I will be susceptable to infection and will have to be watched very carefully, so I will be confined to the house for a while.

Feb 1

I asked for something to help me sleep last night and I got a great night's sleep. I have to qualify that by saying that the nurses were in doing something or other every two hours or so, but otherwise I slept great, until almost 8am! After breakfast, which is usually at 8:30am they began getting my pre-meds ready for the two chemo bags today. They only give pre-meds once a day so at night they just give the chemo. The morning bag didn't affect me but I still have one more bag to go today. I know a lot of prayers are being answered for me because my symptoms have been very minimal! Deb left about 4pm so I think I'll watch a movie on the laptop. The movies seem to pass the time really well, like mindless entertainment. GOD IS GOOD, ALL THE TIME, ALL THE TIME, GOD IS GOOD!!!
IN HIS HANDS,
Ernie