Jan 9

This morning I called Deb, she usually calls me when she gets up, and I found out that she has the flu so she won't be in for another few days. Thats been really hard not seeing her. We think she and Hailey must have picked it up from someone so don't feel bad if Deb turns you down on a offer to come over. She really needs to be healthy and I need her to be here. I think since yesterday I've been depressed. The doctor and the social worker were telling me that some people who have been here for weeks start to halucinate. I'm not there yet but if I do I hope they are good ones! LOL! My shower today made me feel better and I didn't really lose too much more hair, so I'll probably hold off on shaving my head for today. My phone calls with Deb and Dana have cheered me up. My blood counts were up today. White was 1.3 which was as high as its been since chemo, red was 9.6 and platelets were 47, hopefully they'll keep rising and I can at least go home for awhile. Did you remember that heaven is a free gift, we don't deserve it and can't earn it, we're all sinners and can't save ourselves, and that God loves us but is also just so He must punish sin. God solved that predicament with Jesus Christ! Jesus is God, Thomas realized it and said," My Lord and my God" (John 20:28) to Jesus. Jesus died on the cross and rose from the grave to pay the penalty for our sins and to purchase a place in heaven for us. Its like if you were in a courtroom and Jesus was the judge. All of your sins were brought out in the testimony, and then Jesus ruled that you were guilty and deserved death because God is just. Jesus then gets up from the bench, takes off His judge robes, and stands in front of you and says that He will pay your penalty for your sins. Thats how God punished the sin, but shows how very much He loves us, by letting His Son take the punishment that we were supposed to get. And that is the gift. Now, who, you might ask gets this gift? Tomorrow! Deb went to the doctor today and because of the stress this is causing they gave her a month off work. She needs it, I can't imagine her having to work and come and see me, she would pick up all kinds of illness at work and possibly bring it to me. Dana came by my room to drop off some clean clothes and to say goodbye. It was really sad, she couldn't come in the room because she'd been exposed to the flu, so she just stood out in the hall and we both cried. I know I'll see her again, I just don't know when. We joked a little before she left and it lightened the mood, but it hurt so much to see her go. To be honest I cry now a lot more than I ever used to. I know being in here so long has something to do with it, but when I see my family and know there's a chance that I might not have much time with them, it really hurts, and I'll miss out on a lot in their lives. Its reassuring, however, to know that if I go early I'll be wrapped in the arms of Jesus, and that is extremely comforting. I'm not being morbid, I'm just sharing my feelings with my journal, you gotta be honest! But, I'm not planning on leaving soon, I'll be fighting this and I believe I'll be beating this leukemia!!! Thank you all so much for the emails, I enjoy getting them. My love and thanks to you all!
IN HIS HANDS,
Ernie