Jan 15

Deb spent the night and slept really good, maybe I ought to take that chair/bed home! LOL! I'm sure Deb would appreciate that! LOL The doctor told me that I should put a mask on and do some walking to get ready when I go home. I only walked for 15 minutes and I got a little sore, my knees. My counts went up today, white is 1.0, hemoglobin is 11.2 and my platelets are 122. That is really good news cause it means I'm that much closer to going home. I have a small area around my Hickman catheter that feels and looks a little sore. It first showed up right after they put the catheter in but it looks like its getting a little larger and more red. The doctor is keeping her eye on it. Deb left about 1:30 to meet with the AC/Heating man. I sure hope they can fix it today, our house is cold! My brother, Dan is going to turn off the water to the cooler so we don't have to worry about that for awhile. The doctor came in today and told me that when my white counts go up to 1.5 she'll let me go home for awhile, even if its tomorrow. Wow, that sounds good! This Wednesday it will be 4 weeks since I've been here. That seems like a long time until you compare it with 40 years in a desert! Can you imagine traveling like they did back then? That's a lot of walking, we don't like to walk from the parking stall to the store anymore, do we? Do you ever think what it will be like to live in a place with no more death, or mourning, or crying, or pain? Sounds like a great place to me!!! That's what living with God will be like (Revelation 21:4)!!! The heater guys thinks that our coil is just very dirty, from not cleaning or changing the filter enough. My son said that I should have been replacing my filter every month, well, that didn't happen, so all of you out there learn from my mistake, change your filters every month! Dan is going to clean our coil and hopefully this works. God bless you all and thank you for praying for us!
IN HIS HANDS,
Ernie

Jan 14

This morning I'd like to thank God for all He's done for me. Yeah, having this illness stinks, but He's really with me. I can feel His presence very strongly so I know all those prayers are working. There are a lot of other chemo patients on this ward, Deb said she thinks all the beds are filled, and we hear patients who are really having a tough time of it. My symptons have been fevers, but they gave me medication that began diminishing them on the second day and getting rid of them on the fourth day. I've had chills and night sweats from the fevers, but they went away with the fevers. God has really taken care of me in here. I'd also gotten depressed at times thinking about my prognosis, and God has gotten me out of the depression too! I started saying the very beginning of the 23rd Psalm," The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want." This has put my attitude in perspective when it needed to be. WHAT I NEED, GOD WILL SUPPLY AND HE WILL GUIDE ME THRU THIS!!! My counts came back today, white is .7, hemoglobin is 10.7, and the platelets are at 70. The platelets are very high today and the doctor had told me that when my blood began working again, the platelets would come up first. This could be really good news but we'll wait and see what the doctor says! Deb had a good night sleep at home and is getting ready to come down this morning. Dave and Dana got the flu yesterday, but they are fine today. It can be really tough being sick like that and still having to take care of little ones! The heater in our house broke last night and we also broke a water line. They are both scheduled to be fixed but just some more things to worry about. My cel phone also has been giving me trouble so I called and they are mailing me a replacement which won't get here for 5 days at least, so you can try me at my cel but it might disconnect. Deb and I were thinking what's next but then we understood that whatever happens next God will be there to get us thru it, pretty cool, huh? Deb stayed all day and we played cards and talked like we usually do, I had a pretty good day except for a short time of doubt. I used the 23rd Psalm opening to bring me back. God bless you all!
IN HIS HANDS,
Ernie

Jan 13

Deb spent the night but we are on different schedules it seems. I fell asleep about 7pm because of the benedryl they gave me for the transfusion, and Deb didn't fall asleep until 11pm. Well, I got up about 4am when I usually do, but Deb was still sleepy so I'm trying to type quietly while she sleeps. Maybe I'll watch a movie, I have earphones. // The movie was a good idea. It was," The Long Ride Home" with Randy Travis, pretty good. I'm glad we have the earphones cause I can turn the sound up and it sounds like you're in a movie theater, but Deb couldn't hear a thing. Deb said she slept OK and didn't hear me when I got up several times during the night. She did wake up when the nurse came in. I had ordered Deb a breakfast with mine, so we ate together this morning. Today was uneventful except for the football games. We had a nurse take some pictures of Deb and I, and then Deb took some of me to put on the blog and send to "Ernie's Angels". The pictures on the blog are taken in front of the cards and pictures that "Ernie's Angels" sent. They are really good and made me feel great!!! Deb went home tonight but said she'll be back in the morning and maybe sleep here again. The tubes you see in the pictures that look like they're hanging out of my chest? Well, they're hanging out of my chest. They were implanted surgically the first night I got here and to my knowledge they will remain there until I'm all done with hospitals. It's inconvenient and awkward but it keeps me from getting stuck with a needle several times a day and it goes into a large artery so they can get stuff in fast sometimes. It doesn't hurt but it gets in the way sometimes.

Jan 12

Well, I wasn't sure if my do-rag would stay on all night, but it did without even tying it. You know I didn't shave with a razor, just an electric, and that left nubs so even if I want to move the rag around its hard to do! It stuck to my head like velcro! One of the things that I've begun doing in here is writing poetry. I used to like to write it but just haven't in years. I've written 3 short ones already. Once I start one they always seem to come out with a Christian theme, but that's who I am, inside and out. Still getting used to how I look without my hair but I'm sure I will. (some day! LOL!) This is the start of my 22nd day in the hospital and I can't imagine how people used to stay this long in the old days. I have my bible, my guitar, CD and radio player, laptop computer that plays DVDs, MP3 player, telephones,TV, and I still get bored at times! I feel like a spoiled kid when I do get bored! // My blood counts are low again today, its my hemoglobin that went down to 7.2, so I am having a transfusion as soon as they can get it here. Its frustrating to know that any day my blood counts could go back to normal so I can go home, and instead they drop. Everything here is a waiting game! Deb is on her way down, she had to run a few errands, but she should be here soon. I just watched "OPEN RANGE" with Kevin Costner and Robert Duvall. Good cowboy movie! I find myself getting so angry at the bad guys that I feel like getting into the movie and helping, but I guess thats what the film makers want! I heard about an experience from my cousin, Colleen the other day that I'd like to share in her own words, [[["My daughter Caitlin (21) has been going thru cancer treatment for about a year and a half. She has a weird/rare bone cancer (that thank God is usually benign) but she has had 3 surgeries to remove the tumors (high recurrence rate) in her wrist. She went to her appointment in August and the xrays showed that it was back again. She wanted to start school on time, so she told them she would not do the next surgery until late September. She went to the Doctor a week before the anticipated surgery date for her pre-op xrays, ct scans etc. and then went over to her doctors to schedule the appointment and review the newest xrays. She checked in and her nurse, Brit (an angel I am sure), came in to visit while they waited for the Dr. and the films. She tried to schedule the surgery with Caitlin for the following Friday, but Caitlin wouldn't let her. She told Brit, that "No that wouldn't be necessary" as she had prayed her tumor away this time and to go get the Dr. and the films. Ten minutes later, mouths hanging open, the Dr and Brit returned with xrays in hand. They had the films from 6 weeks prior and the new ones.....and well, I bet you can guess the outcome of this!!! Yep, completely gone!!!! YEAH!!!! She will continue to be checked but what a powerful message to not only my Caitlin, but to all those she shares this story with!!! and again, GOD IS SO GOOD!!!"]]] Caitlin's experience is really cool so keep those prayers a comin' for both of us! I just had my pre-meds (Tylenol, Benedryl) for my transfusion. I just want to take the time to thank Mrs. Puglia's fifth grade class at Desert Christian School in Lancaster, what a group! The are praying for me everyday and calling themselves "Ernies Angels" and making posters and trying to make buttons so people will pray for me! "Ernie's Angels", I love you and you are awesome!!!!!!!!

Jan 11

My hair is coming out more, but still maybe not enough to shave it. Do I sound like I'm waffling about shaving my head? Yeah, I guess a little. My wife brought my do-rags, my Notre Dame beany, and a hat, but I've never shaved my head before so I guess I'm holding out until the last possible time. You see more and more guys shaving their heads so its normal, its just not normal for me yet! Deb is coming in today, I haven't seen her in 3 or 4 days and I miss her. They found the chair they were talking about that folds out flat for sleeping and she is planning on staying overnight as soon as she can. That will sure help. I know I'll sleep better but we'll see how comfy the chair/bed is. I've been watching movies during the day to pass the time and Jim brought me a bunch of cowboy movies (they're my favorite) Most kids would watch cartoons on Sat mornings when we were little but not me, I would watch the cowboy movies. I even had my own pistols, holster and hat. Fanner 50s baby! Louis L'amour is one of my favorite authors, I think between me and my dad we had every one Louis ever wrote! // I just watched SILVERADO, man what a good movie, you should all see it! It has Kevin Kline, Danny Glover, Brian Dennehey, and a very young Kevin Costner! After my shower today I saw a lot of hair on my towel so I looked in the mirror and saw spots with no hair, and I don't mean my ears!!! LOL! I guess I'll have Deb shave it as soon as she can. Hello do-rags! I'm not very tan but I'm sure the top of my head is lily white, so it will probably look weird until I can get a little sun on it. // OK, we did it, no more waffling. When the doctor got here we asked her if Deb was still contageous and she said no, so we shaved my head and my goatee. It feels weird but probable looks worse. Deb just went down to the cafeteria for a soda and is bringing me an ice cream! You see why I missed her so much? LOL!!!! // Deb left about 5pm but we had a great visit. It is supposed to snow sometime tonight in the Antelope Valley, so I'd rather she got home before its supposed to hit. She is going to stay the night tomorrow night and that will be cool! Hey, a Friday night sleepover! LOL! My counts are still too low to go home, but my doctor said that about day 20 is when they usually jump up in a matter of a day or two. Today is day 19, so it should be soon, hopefully. I had to put a do-rag on later in the evening cause my head got cold, don't remember that happening before! Slept with it on, too! Maybe I'll get used to it and won't have to wear anything on my head. // Those of you who didn't pray that prayer yesterday, it's still there, you can still do it. The problem is that no one knows when they are going to die, one of you could get killed in a car accident on the way home from work or anytime soon, and once you die its too late too receive Jesus as Lord. This decision, is the most important decision anyone here on earth has to make, and don't be fooled, by not praying that prayer and giving your life to God, you are telling God, no! // I got some new Gaither CDs today and boy are they good! Thank you all for the emails, I really enjoy reading them. I have trouble, however, with the Instant Messages, there are so many things that happen thru the day that I can't keep up with them, but keep the emails coming! Thanks,
IN HIS HANDS,
Ernie

Jan 10

Deb is feeling better, but probably still won't be able to come in today. I'm going to ask the doc how long before she can come in. Dana is going home today with Hailey and Aiden so I'm sad about that, but the kids will be glad to see their daddy. Dana really got a good one, Dave is a remarkable guy who really loves Dana and the kids. Deb and I feel very fortunate to have him for a son-in-law. Brian calls every day and we feel very fortunate about his family too! Toni is sweet and has blessed his life. Brian loves her and the kids, Ashli, Chris & Jacob a whole lot! I slept the best yet last night, I got 8 hours in (8pm to 4am), got up for some worship, finished yesterday's jounal, then took about an hour nap. If this is what retirement will be like, I'm in. My doctor came in today and I got clarification on the 2% leukemia that I have left. They say anything from 5% on down is called "in remission", but its the 3o day bone marrow test that is the important one, cause it could change and it's the one they go by . I think that's good news so we'll hope and pray it stays the same or goes down on the 30 day bone marrow test, which will be about Jan 22. My platelets were low today so they gave me a transfusion. ***This will be the longest I've talked about God, but bear with me, its the most important. We know that heaven is a free gift, that its not earned or deserved, that we are all sinners and can't save ourselves, that God loves us so He doesn't want to punish us, but He is also just so He must punish sin, and He solved this by having Jesus die on a cross and rise from the dead to pay our penalty for our sins, and that's the gift. The great thing about this gift is that anyone can get it. We get it through faith. The bible says that faith is the key that opens the door to heaven. The faith we're talking about is 'saving faith' and thats not just believing that God exists. The bible says that "even the demons believe that- and shudder." (James 2:19) 'Saving faith' is also not having faith that God will grant us answers to our prayers; traveling safety, finances, school, etc. That's good faith but its not 'saving faith'. 'Saving faith' is this, trusting totally and alone in Jesus Christ for our eternal salvation. "Believe on the Lord Jesus and you will be saved." (Acts 16:31) For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith, and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God- not by works, so that no one can boast." (Ephesians 2: 8,9) Let me give you an example. If you see a chair let's use that, if not imagine one. When you see the chair, you believe it exists, don't you. I mean you acually see it! Now, do you believe that it will hold you up? OK, you might but its not holding you up is it, so you're not really trusting it right now are you?? The only way you can show that you trust that the chair will hold you up? Right, sit in it! Thats the way it is with Jesus. A lot of us, me previously included trusted Jesus for traveling safety, finances, and other things but we never trusted Him for our salvation, we thought that was up to us. We were sitting in the "ME" chair, not the "Jesus" chair. In order to have eternal life, we must get out of the "ME" chair and get into the "Jesus" chair. Trust Him for your eternal life, trust that by dying on that cross and rising from the dead, He is our savior, the one Who saves us. "Saving faith" is putting your trust in Jesus alone for eternal life. I did this years ago, it was like a beggar reaching out his hand to a king for a gift, and the King, Jesus, gave me eternal life. I didn't deserve it, nothing I did (good works, being good) could ever get it for me, but because I took that step of faith, He (the real King) gave me (an undeserving beggar) that gift of eternal life. You have just heard the greatest story ever told about the greatest offer ever made. Now what? I'm not going to wait until tomorrow this time, this is too important. If you want this gift like I did, here is what the bible says to do. 1) Transfer your trust for eternal life from yourself to Jesus alone. (understand that it is He that gets you to heaven) 2) Receive Jesus as your Savior (understand that it was He who saved you, not you) 3) Receive Jesus as Lord. (To do this you let Jesus run your life, not you) Believe me its a lot easier and better for Him to do it! 4) Repent. This just means to change the way you live your life and follow Jesus. 5) Prayer. This is where you actually sit in the "Jesus" chair. If you want to give your life to Jesus right now and make sure you are going to heaven, pray this prayer. "Lord Jesus, I want you to come in and take over my life. I'm a sinner and I've been trusting in myself and my own good works, but now I put my full trust in You alone for my salvation. I accept you, Lord Jesus, as my personal Savior. I believe you died for me and paid the price for all my sins. I receive you as Lord and Master of my life. Help me to turn away from my sins and follow You. Jesus, I accept your free gift of eternal life. I know I'm not worthy of it, but I thank you for purchasing it for me with Your shed blood on the cross at Calvary. AMEN" "Most assuredly, I say to you, He who believes in me has everlasting life." (John 6:47) If you prayed that prayer and meant it and live your life following Jesus, you are in the family of God and that's what its all about, God's family goes to heaven.

Jan 9

This morning I called Deb, she usually calls me when she gets up, and I found out that she has the flu so she won't be in for another few days. Thats been really hard not seeing her. We think she and Hailey must have picked it up from someone so don't feel bad if Deb turns you down on a offer to come over. She really needs to be healthy and I need her to be here. I think since yesterday I've been depressed. The doctor and the social worker were telling me that some people who have been here for weeks start to halucinate. I'm not there yet but if I do I hope they are good ones! LOL! My shower today made me feel better and I didn't really lose too much more hair, so I'll probably hold off on shaving my head for today. My phone calls with Deb and Dana have cheered me up. My blood counts were up today. White was 1.3 which was as high as its been since chemo, red was 9.6 and platelets were 47, hopefully they'll keep rising and I can at least go home for awhile. Did you remember that heaven is a free gift, we don't deserve it and can't earn it, we're all sinners and can't save ourselves, and that God loves us but is also just so He must punish sin. God solved that predicament with Jesus Christ! Jesus is God, Thomas realized it and said," My Lord and my God" (John 20:28) to Jesus. Jesus died on the cross and rose from the grave to pay the penalty for our sins and to purchase a place in heaven for us. Its like if you were in a courtroom and Jesus was the judge. All of your sins were brought out in the testimony, and then Jesus ruled that you were guilty and deserved death because God is just. Jesus then gets up from the bench, takes off His judge robes, and stands in front of you and says that He will pay your penalty for your sins. Thats how God punished the sin, but shows how very much He loves us, by letting His Son take the punishment that we were supposed to get. And that is the gift. Now, who, you might ask gets this gift? Tomorrow! Deb went to the doctor today and because of the stress this is causing they gave her a month off work. She needs it, I can't imagine her having to work and come and see me, she would pick up all kinds of illness at work and possibly bring it to me. Dana came by my room to drop off some clean clothes and to say goodbye. It was really sad, she couldn't come in the room because she'd been exposed to the flu, so she just stood out in the hall and we both cried. I know I'll see her again, I just don't know when. We joked a little before she left and it lightened the mood, but it hurt so much to see her go. To be honest I cry now a lot more than I ever used to. I know being in here so long has something to do with it, but when I see my family and know there's a chance that I might not have much time with them, it really hurts, and I'll miss out on a lot in their lives. Its reassuring, however, to know that if I go early I'll be wrapped in the arms of Jesus, and that is extremely comforting. I'm not being morbid, I'm just sharing my feelings with my journal, you gotta be honest! But, I'm not planning on leaving soon, I'll be fighting this and I believe I'll be beating this leukemia!!! Thank you all so much for the emails, I enjoy getting them. My love and thanks to you all!
IN HIS HANDS,
Ernie