Jan 31

Deb spent the night last night and it was good cause she used the other bed in my room. Before she had to sleep on a chair that folded out and wasn't near as comfortable. She had to do some things at home so she left right after breakfast. Not much happened today. Chemo again tomorrow.

Jan 30

Debby took Dana to the airport (LAX) and they had to be there at 5am, so when Deb came right to the hospital she was tired and got a few minutes sleep but not much. They had to give me a different bed this morning because the bed I had was an orthopedic bed with bars and handrails on it. They had borrowed it from another floor and the floor wanted it back. The bed they gave me was just the other bed in my room and I found out that the TV sound is much better where I am now. I am amazed at how much the little things can cheer me up, a thing as little as the TV sound could make my day! Sounds like a pretty boring life right now, but it's all I've got! LOL! They gave me pre-meds at 9:45am and my chemo started at a little after 10am. The reason they are spacing the doses out and skipping a day is that the chemo is much stronger this time, so I'm hoping I won't have many sypmtoms, but please pray that I won't. They give it to me again on Thu. and Sat. and then I'm done with it. After that we watch my blood counts fall and then wait until they build back up again. It's frustrating knowing that I'm going to be in here another month. The room they have me in this time has a view, you can see the sky and the new Kaiser hospital that they are building, not much to see but the other room I had you couldn't even see outside. This room, however, is a two bed room and as soon as a private room becomes available I'm sure I'll move there, I just hope it has a view as well. They gave me my next dose of chemo at about 10:15pm and I went right to sleep.

Jan 29

I had an appointment this morning at 9am to go back into the hospital and my doctor reiterated that I was in complete remission. She said she had sent a referral to the bone marrow transplant doctor and that he would be talking to us when I get out of the hospital. We went to the chemo clinic and she had me hooked up to a regular I.V. and said that as soon as a bed became empty on the chemo floor that I would be going up. Deb and Dana went back to the Antelope Valley to take care of some things and then came back down and brought me a double-double from IN & OUT at about 2:30pm. Just as I began eating it, they came with a wheel chair and took me up to the hospital, so here I am blogging again! LOL! This stay will be from 3 to 4 weeks. They will give me two doses of chemo, twelve hours apart tomorrow. They will repeat this on Wednesday, and then again on Friday. Then I will again wait until my blood counts go way down and then back up again, and I can't come home until the counts are pretty much normal. Dana was here from Denver over the weekend but is going back in the morning. She came alone this time and we had a great visit! Please pray that the side effects will again be minimal and that I will be able to go home soon. God bless you all!
IN HIS HANDS,
Ernie

Jan 25

Hi Everyone!
Just got a message from my doctor. She said my leukemia is in complete remission! Thank you all for all of the prayers you have sent up for me, keep them coming, they are definitely working!!! I still have to go thru at least 2 more chemo sessions and possibly a bone marrow transplant, but things are looking up! This is the best news I've gotten in a while! I have to report to the hospital on Monday for my next session of chemo, but I know what to expect this time so I won't be as anxious. I think they said I would be in for 3-4 weeks again if all goes well, so I'm hoping it's not longer. God bless you all!!!
IN HIS HANDS,
Ernie

Jan 22

Hi Everyone! I went for my bone marrow biopsy today. This one hurt. I don't know what she did differently, but it did hurt. The whole process takes only about 5 minutes and it wasn't unbearable, but I'm still feeling soreness at 6:30pm. They first use a small needle and inject you with lidocain (to numb you) at the point in your lower back/upper bottom where you can actually feel the bone there. It's about 3 inches from the middle. Then they use about a 6 inch needle and inject more numbing stuff close to the bone. They then cut a small incision in the area and insert a sharpened tube type of thing (like the terminology?) that they push thru your bone and into the marrow. As far as we can tell when they pull the tube out, the marrow comes with it in the tube and they put it and the blood on many slides to test. Most of this was told to me by Debby because I couldn't see what was going on (thank goodness!!! LOL!). Anyway, I don't think the doctor is going to tell me the results until next Monday when I have an appointment with her. They also took a blood test for my counts and found that my counts are all pretty much back to normal so I can eat anything I want now, cool! My doctor said it would be one to two weeks until I have to go back into the hospital for my next chemo session. I went to the retirement office and filled out the paperwork to retire on May 1st. Then I went to my work to see the guys and take my personal belongings home. It was nice to be back there (in a visitor's role! LOL!) and great to see the guys again.

Jan 18

Not much to say except that its nice to be home. I probably won't write everyday in the journal until I go back in the hospital, which will be one or two weeks. I thought I would be able to do more than I actually can, I get tired easily. It's frustrating but I have to realize I've pretty much been laying around for 4 weeks, and muscles get smaller very quickly when not used. I think I'll try a few pushups and situps tomorrow. My bone marrow test is Monday. IN HIS HANDS, Ernie

Jan 17

I think Deb is getting tired of the chair/bed! Let's hope we get out of here today and get to sleep in our own bed! The nurse came in with my counts, white = 2.9/ hemoglobin = 11.1/ platelets = 249 which are all very good! She said she is going to call my doctor at 9am to see if she'll come up and discharge me. The doctors usually do clinic in the morning which means they do their appointments so we're not sure we'll see the doctor until this afternoon, which is when she normally comes. Deb has packed up most of our stuff and is taking a load down now. I am really getting excited about going home! I guess I shouldn't get my hopes up but it's pretty hard not to, today makes it 4 weeks that I've been here. // Its 11:20am and my nurse just said that my doctor told her to call a certain surgeon to come and see me. She called the surgeon and the surgeon said, "I'm not on call so I can't come". This means that now we have to wait for my doctor to come and examine me, and hopefully she'll just say I can go home. The incision is back to where it was a few days ago, because when the doctor yesterday was poking it, it started draining, so now it looks OK. Still waiting and rolling with the punches!!! LOL! // At 11:45am the surgeon came and said everything looked good and that my doctor told him that she would be up here soon, so it looks like things are finally happening! My doctor got here about 12:10pm and said I could go home and gave me parameters to follow. After she left I thought it would be soon, but we didn't leave til about 2:30pm. // It's 4pm and I'm home, wow it feels good. It sure was a hassle getting out of the hospital, but it was worth it! I have to go for my next bone marrow test next Monday and they'll check my blood counts again, they should be normal by then, hopefully. We're going to bed early tonight, we're both pretty tired. God bless you all!
IN HIS HANDS,
Ernie

Jan 16

Deb and I both slept good again. The lab got here early (5:30am) to draw blood and we got the results about 7am. My white counts are 1.6 so from what the doctor said yesterday I should be able to go home today. The doctor got here at 11:30am and she said everything looked good except the incision that was made when the catheter was put in. It looks red and like it needs to be drained so she said she was going to have a surgeon look at it, so I might not be going home today. While waiting for the surgeon, the incision swelling went down, but the surgeon hasn't been here yet (2:45pm). Still waiting. // There was a lack of communication between the doctor and the surgeon so it looks like I won't be going home today. Just for the heck of it, Deb and I ordered a pizza from Pizza Hut, we're splurging!!! // Well, it's official, I'm staying another night, they never got a hold of the doctor who saw me today, oh well, roll with the punches! Actually, this is the longest day I've spent here, by far!!! On a good note, Dan got our heater going, the coils were plugged and he cleaned them and its working now! Yeah! So all of you who have central heat, go out and replace your filters once a month. You can buy a box of them for not too much money, you just have to measure the one you have now and get the right size. We watched American Idol tonight and it was pretty funny! Well, good night and God bless you all for now!
IN HIS HANDS,
Ernie

Jan 15

Deb spent the night and slept really good, maybe I ought to take that chair/bed home! LOL! I'm sure Deb would appreciate that! LOL The doctor told me that I should put a mask on and do some walking to get ready when I go home. I only walked for 15 minutes and I got a little sore, my knees. My counts went up today, white is 1.0, hemoglobin is 11.2 and my platelets are 122. That is really good news cause it means I'm that much closer to going home. I have a small area around my Hickman catheter that feels and looks a little sore. It first showed up right after they put the catheter in but it looks like its getting a little larger and more red. The doctor is keeping her eye on it. Deb left about 1:30 to meet with the AC/Heating man. I sure hope they can fix it today, our house is cold! My brother, Dan is going to turn off the water to the cooler so we don't have to worry about that for awhile. The doctor came in today and told me that when my white counts go up to 1.5 she'll let me go home for awhile, even if its tomorrow. Wow, that sounds good! This Wednesday it will be 4 weeks since I've been here. That seems like a long time until you compare it with 40 years in a desert! Can you imagine traveling like they did back then? That's a lot of walking, we don't like to walk from the parking stall to the store anymore, do we? Do you ever think what it will be like to live in a place with no more death, or mourning, or crying, or pain? Sounds like a great place to me!!! That's what living with God will be like (Revelation 21:4)!!! The heater guys thinks that our coil is just very dirty, from not cleaning or changing the filter enough. My son said that I should have been replacing my filter every month, well, that didn't happen, so all of you out there learn from my mistake, change your filters every month! Dan is going to clean our coil and hopefully this works. God bless you all and thank you for praying for us!
IN HIS HANDS,
Ernie

Jan 14

This morning I'd like to thank God for all He's done for me. Yeah, having this illness stinks, but He's really with me. I can feel His presence very strongly so I know all those prayers are working. There are a lot of other chemo patients on this ward, Deb said she thinks all the beds are filled, and we hear patients who are really having a tough time of it. My symptons have been fevers, but they gave me medication that began diminishing them on the second day and getting rid of them on the fourth day. I've had chills and night sweats from the fevers, but they went away with the fevers. God has really taken care of me in here. I'd also gotten depressed at times thinking about my prognosis, and God has gotten me out of the depression too! I started saying the very beginning of the 23rd Psalm," The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want." This has put my attitude in perspective when it needed to be. WHAT I NEED, GOD WILL SUPPLY AND HE WILL GUIDE ME THRU THIS!!! My counts came back today, white is .7, hemoglobin is 10.7, and the platelets are at 70. The platelets are very high today and the doctor had told me that when my blood began working again, the platelets would come up first. This could be really good news but we'll wait and see what the doctor says! Deb had a good night sleep at home and is getting ready to come down this morning. Dave and Dana got the flu yesterday, but they are fine today. It can be really tough being sick like that and still having to take care of little ones! The heater in our house broke last night and we also broke a water line. They are both scheduled to be fixed but just some more things to worry about. My cel phone also has been giving me trouble so I called and they are mailing me a replacement which won't get here for 5 days at least, so you can try me at my cel but it might disconnect. Deb and I were thinking what's next but then we understood that whatever happens next God will be there to get us thru it, pretty cool, huh? Deb stayed all day and we played cards and talked like we usually do, I had a pretty good day except for a short time of doubt. I used the 23rd Psalm opening to bring me back. God bless you all!
IN HIS HANDS,
Ernie

Jan 13

Deb spent the night but we are on different schedules it seems. I fell asleep about 7pm because of the benedryl they gave me for the transfusion, and Deb didn't fall asleep until 11pm. Well, I got up about 4am when I usually do, but Deb was still sleepy so I'm trying to type quietly while she sleeps. Maybe I'll watch a movie, I have earphones. // The movie was a good idea. It was," The Long Ride Home" with Randy Travis, pretty good. I'm glad we have the earphones cause I can turn the sound up and it sounds like you're in a movie theater, but Deb couldn't hear a thing. Deb said she slept OK and didn't hear me when I got up several times during the night. She did wake up when the nurse came in. I had ordered Deb a breakfast with mine, so we ate together this morning. Today was uneventful except for the football games. We had a nurse take some pictures of Deb and I, and then Deb took some of me to put on the blog and send to "Ernie's Angels". The pictures on the blog are taken in front of the cards and pictures that "Ernie's Angels" sent. They are really good and made me feel great!!! Deb went home tonight but said she'll be back in the morning and maybe sleep here again. The tubes you see in the pictures that look like they're hanging out of my chest? Well, they're hanging out of my chest. They were implanted surgically the first night I got here and to my knowledge they will remain there until I'm all done with hospitals. It's inconvenient and awkward but it keeps me from getting stuck with a needle several times a day and it goes into a large artery so they can get stuff in fast sometimes. It doesn't hurt but it gets in the way sometimes.

Jan 12

Well, I wasn't sure if my do-rag would stay on all night, but it did without even tying it. You know I didn't shave with a razor, just an electric, and that left nubs so even if I want to move the rag around its hard to do! It stuck to my head like velcro! One of the things that I've begun doing in here is writing poetry. I used to like to write it but just haven't in years. I've written 3 short ones already. Once I start one they always seem to come out with a Christian theme, but that's who I am, inside and out. Still getting used to how I look without my hair but I'm sure I will. (some day! LOL!) This is the start of my 22nd day in the hospital and I can't imagine how people used to stay this long in the old days. I have my bible, my guitar, CD and radio player, laptop computer that plays DVDs, MP3 player, telephones,TV, and I still get bored at times! I feel like a spoiled kid when I do get bored! // My blood counts are low again today, its my hemoglobin that went down to 7.2, so I am having a transfusion as soon as they can get it here. Its frustrating to know that any day my blood counts could go back to normal so I can go home, and instead they drop. Everything here is a waiting game! Deb is on her way down, she had to run a few errands, but she should be here soon. I just watched "OPEN RANGE" with Kevin Costner and Robert Duvall. Good cowboy movie! I find myself getting so angry at the bad guys that I feel like getting into the movie and helping, but I guess thats what the film makers want! I heard about an experience from my cousin, Colleen the other day that I'd like to share in her own words, [[["My daughter Caitlin (21) has been going thru cancer treatment for about a year and a half. She has a weird/rare bone cancer (that thank God is usually benign) but she has had 3 surgeries to remove the tumors (high recurrence rate) in her wrist. She went to her appointment in August and the xrays showed that it was back again. She wanted to start school on time, so she told them she would not do the next surgery until late September. She went to the Doctor a week before the anticipated surgery date for her pre-op xrays, ct scans etc. and then went over to her doctors to schedule the appointment and review the newest xrays. She checked in and her nurse, Brit (an angel I am sure), came in to visit while they waited for the Dr. and the films. She tried to schedule the surgery with Caitlin for the following Friday, but Caitlin wouldn't let her. She told Brit, that "No that wouldn't be necessary" as she had prayed her tumor away this time and to go get the Dr. and the films. Ten minutes later, mouths hanging open, the Dr and Brit returned with xrays in hand. They had the films from 6 weeks prior and the new ones.....and well, I bet you can guess the outcome of this!!! Yep, completely gone!!!! YEAH!!!! She will continue to be checked but what a powerful message to not only my Caitlin, but to all those she shares this story with!!! and again, GOD IS SO GOOD!!!"]]] Caitlin's experience is really cool so keep those prayers a comin' for both of us! I just had my pre-meds (Tylenol, Benedryl) for my transfusion. I just want to take the time to thank Mrs. Puglia's fifth grade class at Desert Christian School in Lancaster, what a group! The are praying for me everyday and calling themselves "Ernies Angels" and making posters and trying to make buttons so people will pray for me! "Ernie's Angels", I love you and you are awesome!!!!!!!!

Jan 11

My hair is coming out more, but still maybe not enough to shave it. Do I sound like I'm waffling about shaving my head? Yeah, I guess a little. My wife brought my do-rags, my Notre Dame beany, and a hat, but I've never shaved my head before so I guess I'm holding out until the last possible time. You see more and more guys shaving their heads so its normal, its just not normal for me yet! Deb is coming in today, I haven't seen her in 3 or 4 days and I miss her. They found the chair they were talking about that folds out flat for sleeping and she is planning on staying overnight as soon as she can. That will sure help. I know I'll sleep better but we'll see how comfy the chair/bed is. I've been watching movies during the day to pass the time and Jim brought me a bunch of cowboy movies (they're my favorite) Most kids would watch cartoons on Sat mornings when we were little but not me, I would watch the cowboy movies. I even had my own pistols, holster and hat. Fanner 50s baby! Louis L'amour is one of my favorite authors, I think between me and my dad we had every one Louis ever wrote! // I just watched SILVERADO, man what a good movie, you should all see it! It has Kevin Kline, Danny Glover, Brian Dennehey, and a very young Kevin Costner! After my shower today I saw a lot of hair on my towel so I looked in the mirror and saw spots with no hair, and I don't mean my ears!!! LOL! I guess I'll have Deb shave it as soon as she can. Hello do-rags! I'm not very tan but I'm sure the top of my head is lily white, so it will probably look weird until I can get a little sun on it. // OK, we did it, no more waffling. When the doctor got here we asked her if Deb was still contageous and she said no, so we shaved my head and my goatee. It feels weird but probable looks worse. Deb just went down to the cafeteria for a soda and is bringing me an ice cream! You see why I missed her so much? LOL!!!! // Deb left about 5pm but we had a great visit. It is supposed to snow sometime tonight in the Antelope Valley, so I'd rather she got home before its supposed to hit. She is going to stay the night tomorrow night and that will be cool! Hey, a Friday night sleepover! LOL! My counts are still too low to go home, but my doctor said that about day 20 is when they usually jump up in a matter of a day or two. Today is day 19, so it should be soon, hopefully. I had to put a do-rag on later in the evening cause my head got cold, don't remember that happening before! Slept with it on, too! Maybe I'll get used to it and won't have to wear anything on my head. // Those of you who didn't pray that prayer yesterday, it's still there, you can still do it. The problem is that no one knows when they are going to die, one of you could get killed in a car accident on the way home from work or anytime soon, and once you die its too late too receive Jesus as Lord. This decision, is the most important decision anyone here on earth has to make, and don't be fooled, by not praying that prayer and giving your life to God, you are telling God, no! // I got some new Gaither CDs today and boy are they good! Thank you all for the emails, I really enjoy reading them. I have trouble, however, with the Instant Messages, there are so many things that happen thru the day that I can't keep up with them, but keep the emails coming! Thanks,
IN HIS HANDS,
Ernie

Jan 10

Deb is feeling better, but probably still won't be able to come in today. I'm going to ask the doc how long before she can come in. Dana is going home today with Hailey and Aiden so I'm sad about that, but the kids will be glad to see their daddy. Dana really got a good one, Dave is a remarkable guy who really loves Dana and the kids. Deb and I feel very fortunate to have him for a son-in-law. Brian calls every day and we feel very fortunate about his family too! Toni is sweet and has blessed his life. Brian loves her and the kids, Ashli, Chris & Jacob a whole lot! I slept the best yet last night, I got 8 hours in (8pm to 4am), got up for some worship, finished yesterday's jounal, then took about an hour nap. If this is what retirement will be like, I'm in. My doctor came in today and I got clarification on the 2% leukemia that I have left. They say anything from 5% on down is called "in remission", but its the 3o day bone marrow test that is the important one, cause it could change and it's the one they go by . I think that's good news so we'll hope and pray it stays the same or goes down on the 30 day bone marrow test, which will be about Jan 22. My platelets were low today so they gave me a transfusion. ***This will be the longest I've talked about God, but bear with me, its the most important. We know that heaven is a free gift, that its not earned or deserved, that we are all sinners and can't save ourselves, that God loves us so He doesn't want to punish us, but He is also just so He must punish sin, and He solved this by having Jesus die on a cross and rise from the dead to pay our penalty for our sins, and that's the gift. The great thing about this gift is that anyone can get it. We get it through faith. The bible says that faith is the key that opens the door to heaven. The faith we're talking about is 'saving faith' and thats not just believing that God exists. The bible says that "even the demons believe that- and shudder." (James 2:19) 'Saving faith' is also not having faith that God will grant us answers to our prayers; traveling safety, finances, school, etc. That's good faith but its not 'saving faith'. 'Saving faith' is this, trusting totally and alone in Jesus Christ for our eternal salvation. "Believe on the Lord Jesus and you will be saved." (Acts 16:31) For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith, and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God- not by works, so that no one can boast." (Ephesians 2: 8,9) Let me give you an example. If you see a chair let's use that, if not imagine one. When you see the chair, you believe it exists, don't you. I mean you acually see it! Now, do you believe that it will hold you up? OK, you might but its not holding you up is it, so you're not really trusting it right now are you?? The only way you can show that you trust that the chair will hold you up? Right, sit in it! Thats the way it is with Jesus. A lot of us, me previously included trusted Jesus for traveling safety, finances, and other things but we never trusted Him for our salvation, we thought that was up to us. We were sitting in the "ME" chair, not the "Jesus" chair. In order to have eternal life, we must get out of the "ME" chair and get into the "Jesus" chair. Trust Him for your eternal life, trust that by dying on that cross and rising from the dead, He is our savior, the one Who saves us. "Saving faith" is putting your trust in Jesus alone for eternal life. I did this years ago, it was like a beggar reaching out his hand to a king for a gift, and the King, Jesus, gave me eternal life. I didn't deserve it, nothing I did (good works, being good) could ever get it for me, but because I took that step of faith, He (the real King) gave me (an undeserving beggar) that gift of eternal life. You have just heard the greatest story ever told about the greatest offer ever made. Now what? I'm not going to wait until tomorrow this time, this is too important. If you want this gift like I did, here is what the bible says to do. 1) Transfer your trust for eternal life from yourself to Jesus alone. (understand that it is He that gets you to heaven) 2) Receive Jesus as your Savior (understand that it was He who saved you, not you) 3) Receive Jesus as Lord. (To do this you let Jesus run your life, not you) Believe me its a lot easier and better for Him to do it! 4) Repent. This just means to change the way you live your life and follow Jesus. 5) Prayer. This is where you actually sit in the "Jesus" chair. If you want to give your life to Jesus right now and make sure you are going to heaven, pray this prayer. "Lord Jesus, I want you to come in and take over my life. I'm a sinner and I've been trusting in myself and my own good works, but now I put my full trust in You alone for my salvation. I accept you, Lord Jesus, as my personal Savior. I believe you died for me and paid the price for all my sins. I receive you as Lord and Master of my life. Help me to turn away from my sins and follow You. Jesus, I accept your free gift of eternal life. I know I'm not worthy of it, but I thank you for purchasing it for me with Your shed blood on the cross at Calvary. AMEN" "Most assuredly, I say to you, He who believes in me has everlasting life." (John 6:47) If you prayed that prayer and meant it and live your life following Jesus, you are in the family of God and that's what its all about, God's family goes to heaven.

Jan 9

This morning I called Deb, she usually calls me when she gets up, and I found out that she has the flu so she won't be in for another few days. Thats been really hard not seeing her. We think she and Hailey must have picked it up from someone so don't feel bad if Deb turns you down on a offer to come over. She really needs to be healthy and I need her to be here. I think since yesterday I've been depressed. The doctor and the social worker were telling me that some people who have been here for weeks start to halucinate. I'm not there yet but if I do I hope they are good ones! LOL! My shower today made me feel better and I didn't really lose too much more hair, so I'll probably hold off on shaving my head for today. My phone calls with Deb and Dana have cheered me up. My blood counts were up today. White was 1.3 which was as high as its been since chemo, red was 9.6 and platelets were 47, hopefully they'll keep rising and I can at least go home for awhile. Did you remember that heaven is a free gift, we don't deserve it and can't earn it, we're all sinners and can't save ourselves, and that God loves us but is also just so He must punish sin. God solved that predicament with Jesus Christ! Jesus is God, Thomas realized it and said," My Lord and my God" (John 20:28) to Jesus. Jesus died on the cross and rose from the grave to pay the penalty for our sins and to purchase a place in heaven for us. Its like if you were in a courtroom and Jesus was the judge. All of your sins were brought out in the testimony, and then Jesus ruled that you were guilty and deserved death because God is just. Jesus then gets up from the bench, takes off His judge robes, and stands in front of you and says that He will pay your penalty for your sins. Thats how God punished the sin, but shows how very much He loves us, by letting His Son take the punishment that we were supposed to get. And that is the gift. Now, who, you might ask gets this gift? Tomorrow! Deb went to the doctor today and because of the stress this is causing they gave her a month off work. She needs it, I can't imagine her having to work and come and see me, she would pick up all kinds of illness at work and possibly bring it to me. Dana came by my room to drop off some clean clothes and to say goodbye. It was really sad, she couldn't come in the room because she'd been exposed to the flu, so she just stood out in the hall and we both cried. I know I'll see her again, I just don't know when. We joked a little before she left and it lightened the mood, but it hurt so much to see her go. To be honest I cry now a lot more than I ever used to. I know being in here so long has something to do with it, but when I see my family and know there's a chance that I might not have much time with them, it really hurts, and I'll miss out on a lot in their lives. Its reassuring, however, to know that if I go early I'll be wrapped in the arms of Jesus, and that is extremely comforting. I'm not being morbid, I'm just sharing my feelings with my journal, you gotta be honest! But, I'm not planning on leaving soon, I'll be fighting this and I believe I'll be beating this leukemia!!! Thank you all so much for the emails, I enjoy getting them. My love and thanks to you all!
IN HIS HANDS,
Ernie

Jan 8

Wow, another good night's sleep, I woke up only about 4 times, and that's really good for me. Today might be the day that we find out about the results from my bone marrow test. Remember, we don't want to find any leukemia, which would mean I'm in remission. If, however, they still find some, I have to repeat induction chemo (another 7 days). I would be disappointed, but sometimes you just gotta do what ya gotta do!" I think about having to go thru chemo again and again and I must be honest, its disheartening. Soooooooooooooo, I just try to focus my eyes and thoughts on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith. I think about what He went thru for me and get a lot of courage. If any of you don't know what Jesus went thru for you, you should rent," The Passion Of The Christ". This shows how much pain, torture and agony He went thru willingly, just for us. Deb has an appointment down here in the valley today and is coming by for a visit. I sure wish she would get well quick!!! I miss her something awful. I'm thinking right now about our first kiss. It was on her back porch ?*&$#@ years ago, and I can honestly say for me it was electrifying. I actually felt something! She's a great kisser! All you guys out there you better just take my word for it, I can get very jealous! LOL! (no, really!) The bond you get when you've been together 36 years (32 married, 4 before) is so good, we finish eachother's sentences and we think of the same things at the same time a lot. She's a keeper!!! My catheter has worked for drawing blood 3 times in a row now! That means they don't have to stick me with a needle twice a day. Thats a bonus, huh? Deb cut my hair shorter the other day, it doesn't get dirty as quickly, and I've always liked the way it feels. When my hair starts falling out in clumps, I'll have her shave it. I wonder if she'll shave hers like a solidarity thing!! LOL! No, I don't think so!!! LOL! I like her with hair! Guess what, I finally went out to the waiting room at the right time to see the sunrise! What a beautiful sight! I haven't seen one in I don't know how many years. I wonder if going thru this will change me, ya think? Maybe I'll take the time to actually do a lot of the things that I often say that I want to do. No, Deb, I'm still not jumping out of an airplane!!! Maybe just a lot of little things. My breakfast of french toast, scrambled eggs, and cheerios tasted really good today, maybe the transfusions made me feel that much better. My nurse came in and checked me out, she said my heart sounded very good. My white count didn't go up, its still at .9, but the others went way up due to the transfusions. Dana is feeling bad because Hailey just threw up and now Deb won't be able to come for another couple of days. She is looking for airline tickets to go home tomorrow cause Deb keeps getting sick from the kids. It will be sad that she is leaving but I think its better that way. I can't have all the illness around me and I might be coming home later this week. We now know that heaven is a free gift, its not earned or deserved, and that man is a sinner and can't save himself. God loves us. "God is love." (1John 4:8) "He loves us with an everlasting love." (Jeremiah 31:3) However, the same bible that tells us God loves us, also tells us that God is just, therefore He must punish sin. God," does not leave the guilty unpunished." (Exodus 34:7) This sounds like a predicament, God is loving and merciful and doesn't want to punish us, but He is also holy and just, and therefore must punish sin. Do you want to know how He solved this predicament? Tomorrow. The nurse told me my doctor was coming up to talk to me, and that I had been on her mind. The social worker, Larry, came in right after the nurse left and we talked. He has really helped us with all kinds of things, he's a really good guy that has to work in mostly sad conditions. I thought I was getting signals that there was bad news coming and got worked up and scared. By the time the doctor got there I was really anxious, but she said she didn't know anything and that she had sent my test to Kaiser Sunset like they do with all of them. She also told me that if my leukemia was under 5, it was an ok sign but if it was higher they would have to do the induction chemo again. As we were talking she got a page and stepped out of the room. She came back in moments later and said that although my leukemia wasn't entirely gone, it was at 2, which was good news to me compared to what I thought was coming. What this means is that at day 30 (day 1 was the first day of chemo, Dec 23) they will take another bone marrow test. If I still have some leukemia, they will do induction chemo again. If there is no leukemia, which is possible, they will do consolidation chemo, which from what I hear is a little easier. I have found a lot of hair on my pillow, in my bed and on my face. When it begins to fall out a little more, I'm going to have Deb shave it, maybe tomorrow. They tried tonight but couldn't draw blood from my catheter so they had to stick me again. I'm watching the Florida / Ohio State football game but am getting sleepy, I don't think I'll make the whole game. Good night all!
IN HIS HANDS,
Ernie

Jan 7

I slept in til 4am this morning and finished up yesterday's blog. I have a slight headache so I think I'll pound down some water, that usually takes care of it. I had an awesome time of worship this morning, just finished! I mostly did my own songs this morning. One of my favorites is about Sara Faulkner (spelling?), who was going to 1st Presbyterian Church of Palmdale when we first got there. I needed to put someone on the prayer chain and asked who I should call and I got a resounding answer," Sara Faulkner" Ok, I called this Sara and the lady answered. When I told her I had a prayer request she asked me to hold on while she got something to write with. I should tell you that I'm not one for holding long conversations on the phone, its not something I like to do. Sara came back on the phone and I don't know how she did it, but in the process of taking the prayer request, she learned about who Ernie Brady was. I didn't think I said all that much, and I stayed on the phone an hour with her!! She said she'd like to meet my family the next Sunday at church and imagine my surprise when she walked up and we learned that Sara was blind. She hadn't mentioned it once on the phone, she was more interested in me than talking about herself, and I would find out from more conversations with her later that that was who Sara was, all about others. I was also shocked when I was in my first bible study with her, she knew her bible and could recite scripture too! I was pretty shook up when she passed away, and wrote a song for her. After I wrote the words, I couldn't get thru singing it without crying for about the first 20 times. Sara was blind for the last 33 years of her life, but when she got to heaven, you bet she could see, and in the song all she wanted to look at was Jesus. God bless you Sara. The nurse is here and trying again to get blood from my catheter. Its only worked twice in the last 5 days, they had to stick me all the other times (I get blood drawn twice a day). I had stretched too far to put my guitar away and Baxter started beeping (that's what he's best at), thats why the nurse came in. My counts are down today so I have to have transfusions, 1 platelet bag and 2 blood bags. So, we know Heaven is a free gift, that it's not earned or deserved, and that every person is a sinner. Now we need to know that sin must be punished. "For the wages of sin is death." (Romans 6:23) and that God doesn't grade on a curve, He expects obedience at all times! "Be ye therefore perfect, as your Father in heaven is perfect." (Matt 5:48) We can't save ourselves from our sins, even if we try to do good things. If you were making an omelette, and you had 5 good eggs in the bowl but put one rotten egg in there as well, we couldn't serve it to company and expect it to be acceptable. Even less can we serve up our lives to God, which have many fine things in them that men would call good and yet are filled with thoughts and deeds that are "rotten" and expect them to be acceptable to God. "Whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles at just one point is guilty of breaking all of it." (James 2:10) This means what? That its impossible to save ourselves, or to earn our way into heaven. This comes into sharper focus when we look at what the bible says about God. Tomorrow! I guess none of you have heard yet that pink is the new black! Its gonna be in style so all you guys better go out and get pink jammies to be in style!!! (this I'd like to see!!! LOL!) I finally finished my transfusion about 9pm and went to sleep.

Jan 6

I took another ativan to help me sleep last night and it worked its magic. I slept very soundly and feel great today! I put the finishing touches on yesterday's blog like I normally do and then did my worship. It was a good time of worship but I have found that I don't have the air to finish lines like I used to. I'm not a good singer, I'd say a backup singer at best, but I used to be able to finish lines and hold notes longer. I also get a little light headed at times when I'm singing. This is due to my anemic state (red blood cells low), but its disapointing. However, God tells us to make a joyful noise to Him, and the joyful and the noise are both there so I think I'm covered! LOL!!! GOD IS GOOD, ALL THE TIME. ALL THE TIME, GOD IS GOOD. Sorry if that's repetitive, but I really like that saying and it has been very true. Dr. Shin (the weekend cover) came to see me today. He was nice and thorough like Dr. Lee. Deb is on her way and she and Dana fixed me one of my favorites for lunch, pepper chicken. I thought you were supposed to lose weight on chemo! Jon & Cindy & Becca & Jonny are going to our house to watch Dana's kids so Dana can come down too. My counts lowered a little but they were still high enough so I don't need a transfusion today. One of the nurses must have heared Debby cough because she thought it best if Debby went home until she was well, so Deb went home and Dana went with her. Carol (my sister) and I watched part of the Seattle / Dallas game. Boy, my sister is a trooper, she watched football with me!!! I started getting the sniffles so they are loading me up with orange juice. They don't think it will be a problem because I'm on so many antibiotics, but they are going to keep an eye on it. About the two questions I asked yesterday, most people answer the first one with, "Yes, no, or I didn't know anyone could know?" Their answer to the second is," Well, I've been a pretty good person, haven't done too many bad things." Anyone answer like that? If you did, I've got some great news for you, listen to this; the bible says that heaven is a gift, a free gift! "The free gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord." (Romans 6:23) The best gift anyone could get but here's something else, Heaven is not earned or deserved. "It is by grace you are saved, through faith and not of yourselves, it is the gift of God, not of works lest any man should boast." (Ephesians 2:8,9) When you decided to ask your wife to marry you, you demonstrated your love by buying her an expensive engagement ring to show her your love. How would you have felt if she said," Yes, I'll marry you but first let me pay you for the ring. If she paid you for the ring would it still be a gift? No. Its the same thing with God's gift of heaven, God is giving you this gift and we think we need to pay for it by being good or doing good deeds. You can't buy heaven from God, its a free gift! More later. I'm going to try to stay up later tonight so I won't be walking the halls at 4am. I asked the nurse whether ativan was addictive, and she said that it wasn't but that they were going to give me whatever I needed for my comfort while I'm in here. My afternoon blood counts were up again, so hopefully this is the beginning of my blood working again and I'll get to come home soon. Its funny, at work I had so many numbers and dates running thru my head, and here only a few but let me tell you they are just as important as the buses getting maintenance on schedule. Sorry about you having to do scheduling alone, Red, I know its quite a load!!! Thanks!!! God bless you all and keep praying!!!
IN HIS HANDS,
Ernie

Jan 5

I took an ativan and slept very soundly last night. I had a good time of worship again this morning. They told me from the beginning that today would by my worst day, but I still feel remarkably well (so far). I went out to the waiting room around 5a.m. looking for the sunrise only to discover later in the day the sun doesn't come up this time of year til around 7 (ok so I'm not a weather person LOL!). My blood counts were good today, no transfusion. Debby got to come today, she's feeling much better, but we still can't touch eachother because she might infect me. I feel so much better when she comes, we've been thru a lot together! I had my bone marrow biopsy today, but won't know the results until sometime next week. We are actually wanting there to be no leukemia left in my blood right now, so that would be a specific prayer request if you don't mind. If there are no signs of it now, then we move on to the consolidation chemo. If there are signs of it, we go back and do the infusion chemo again and start all over. Don't really want to start all over but, THY WILL BE DONE!!! There are some in here who have much worse symtoms from the chemo than me and they might not have anyone praying for them, so could you all include them in your prayers? God is powerful enough to handle it, thanks! This biopsy was a little more painful than the first, but still nothing to the extent I always heard it would be. Debby and I walked to the waiting room after it was over not knowing they didn't want me out of bed for a couple of hours after the procedure. oops! My nurse came looking for me and made me get back into bed (bad boy). I thought I had given up my life of crime!!! LOL!!!! I actually walked around immediatily and even went to work after the first one! I've got to clear something up right away! For those of you who read the comments people write, and especially those who read the comments from my former niece and daughter who said I wear pink pajamas? FAGETABOUTIT!!!! Guys at the shop, no really, my pajamas are blue. No really! Blue! Awe come on guys, blue! LOL! The girls and I had a good laugh about it on the phone so why not laugh on the blog too! LOL! (blue!) I'm remembering that song," If I Could Only Imagine" where the guy was thinking about what it would be like in heaven and just as a thought provoker, may I ask you all a couple of questions? The first one is this. If you were to die today, are you absolutely certain that you would go to heaven? Interesting, huh? The second question is this, "If you were to die today and stand before almighty God and He were to say to you," Why should I let you into my heaven", what would your answer to Him be? Think about it, more tomorrow! I want to thank all of you who have emailed me. I actually look forward to your emails, they not only give me strength but make me feel that I'm still in touch with the world. The room I'm in has 3 walls and one whole side that's a window with blinds. Even if you open the blinds to see out, there is a catwalk, and on the outside of the catwalk are some slats that make it just about impossible to see out. It could get lonely and depressing in here, but you're emails and comments on the blog ensure that it doesn't. Thank you again so much and keep those emails coming, even if you don't know me!
IN HIS HANDS,
Ernie
(BLUE!)

Jan 4

Didn't get much sleep last night, darn Benadryl! I did my worship earlier than usual (about 3am). I'm listening to the song, 'I Can Only Imagine' and it has a deeper meaning to me now. For those of you who haven't heard it, its about a guy who wonders what will it be like when he actually gets to heaven and faces God. He gets detailed but the line I like the most is, "'Will I sing halleluiah, or will I be able to speak at all". Kindof makes you wonder what we are going to do, huh? It was quiet in my room today cause Deb stayed home sick and Dana stayed home so Deb could rest. I called home in the morning and they weren't there so I called Deb's cel and when she answered I ask where she was. All she said was, "Thanks for breakfast!" I can feel my wallet getting smaller and I don't even have it. Maybe phantom pains, no? I'd much rather have them both here but sometimes ya gotta do what ya gotta do! The doctor came in today and they still don't know exactly what strain my leukemia is but they know the category of survival. There are 3 categories, favorable, intermediate, and unfavorable group. Mine is in the intermediate group, so I guess I'm just an average kindof guy! LOL! Hey, its better than unfavorable, and there are a lot of people walking around who were in the unfavorable!!! My pills just came (4 this time) and I got the 'swish and spit'. I wonder if they would let me try to spit it into the sink from the bed, about 4 feet away. I can doooo iiitttt! Mary called from the airport in Philly and her flight was good but she still had to fly to Providence, Rhode Island. They are still having trouble with my catheter, the lab was just here and had to stick me again so my nurse called someone to come and check it. They have used two different needles on me to draw blood. One is the regular one that is just a needle on the end of a syringe. The other is much smaller and on a plastic 'T' looking thing and there is about a 6" tube coming out of that. They stick it in, draw the blood and when they are done they push something, you hear a click, and then they pull the 'T' up away from your skin like there was no needle on the end, and I looked at it after, there wasn't. Well what happens is when it clicks, the needle slides out of your skin and into the 'T'. The first time they did it to me, I checked my arm for the needle cause I really thought it was still in me!!! Efficient but weird! LOL! Dan & Muriel came today and it was a good visit. Dan is helping me with LAUSD paperwork too, it all has to be done properly. Thank you all for praying for and thinking about me, I really feel it!!!

Jan 3

Deb is feeling better this morning so she is coming down to visit. I don't think I'll be able to hug or kiss her but just having her here helps tremendously! She and Dana must have noticed that I hadn't been eating my meals well, so they have been asking me what I want for the next day's meals and cooking them at home. So far I've had tacos, lasagna, home-made macaroni and cheese, and today they are bringing stuffed bell peppers! Do I have it good or what!!! The food here is really pretty good but I'm getting my favorites from home. Deb and Dana and Dave and their kids all came at the same time today bringing gifts. They brought wraps and chips for the nurses and stuffed bell peppers for me, YEAH! I had to put a mask on but I got to go out to the waiting room and visit with my grandkids, Hailey and Aiden. It was hard to not hold them but it was pretty cool to be able to be with them! Dana and the kids left about 1:20 to take Dave to the airport, he has to go back and make some money. Deb left a little later cause she got her fever back and I just can't take chances. She'll have to stay home now until she is well, and that will be hard for both of us. My platelets were low today (18,000) so I'll have to have platelets tonight, which means they have to give me Benadryl before it, which is what kept me up half the night the other night! Maybe it won't affect me that way this time! I have a tooth that is hurting tonight, but they said I might. I guess they recommend (if you have advanced notice) that you go to the dentist a few months before chemo, but for me it was a surprise. My night nurse happens to be someone I probably played softball against a few years ago. We started talking and found that we had things in common. You know come to think about it, I should hate her cause that team used to beat us a lot!!! LOL! She is going to call one of the guys for me so I'll get to talk to him as well. I don't hate her, in fact I love her and all the other nurses that have taken care of me. God has really blessed me with not only good but very friendly nurses. It must be tremendously hard to work on the chemo floor cause its so hard on most patients, but they make it much easier to take. Thank you nurses and staff at Kaiser Pan City on 6E!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My sister Mary is going home today, she's still not over the flu so I'm praying that her flight home will be good. I finally got my platelets at about 2am so I should be fine with platelets until at least Sat. So long for now. GOD IS GOOD, ALL THE TIME. ALL THE TIME GOD IS GOOD

Jan 2

I am humbled. I have had people from all over the country email me just to say they are praying for me! That people would do such a thing, for someone they don't even know! And guess what! Mrs. Puglia's 5th grade class at Desert Christian School in Lancaster, Calif. is praying for me too! Unbelievable!!! Wait, it is believable isn't it? It's pretty much what Paul explained to us in Romans 12, we all have something to do for Jesus, we just have to do it, and then live a life that Jesus would be proud of! Its almost as if God's plan is working!!! Go figure!
I only got about 4 1/2 hours of sleep last night but still feel great. Do you think it's coincidence or maybe all that prayer? Thank you all soooo much! My counts this morning were better due to the tranfusions I received last night, so I don't have to have another one today. They have been having trouble drawing blood from my catheter so they have been sticking me with needles, but still I'm feeling good. So far I've been blessed with how my body actually feels, but there is still time for it to get worse. Deb went to the doctor today and she isn't feeling well so she didn't come down. It was really hard not to see her, and she still wanted to come, but now isn't the time to take chances. My sister Mary woke up sick this morning so none of them could come either. I should have told you that my brother Dan's family has been sick as well and haven't been able to come. I know it's hard for all of them not to come, but believe me I really appreciate it because I just don't want to get sick now!!! I did, however, get to spend the day with my daughter, Dana, and we had a great visit. I haven't seen the outside world for almost two weeks so I put on a mask and Dana and I went to the waiting area and sat looking out the windows for a while. (You can't see outside from my room) It was beautiful! We could see all the way across the valley to the hills on the west side, the trees swayed in differing shades of green, and even the people looked great! That beats 4 walls anytime! Not that I'm complaining, my walls have pictures of my grandkids and cutouts that they made for me, they are beautiful too! The nurses have been letting me take showers too! (or maybe wanting me to! LOL!) They tape a plastic bag over the catheter that's on my chest and in I go. Boy that feels good. I wouldn't want to have to take a sponge bath very often, but it beats nothing, right? I don't remember if I said that my catheter will most likely come home with me until this is all over (about a year). At least I don't have to take Baxter home!!! LOL!!! Did any of you see that Boise State / Ohlahoma football game Jan 1? Wow, that might have been the most exciting game I've ever seen! My fighting Irish are playing I think tomorrow, but they haven't done well in bowl games lately. I just lost half the women who read this, right? LOL! I think I'm going to get to see two of my grandkids tomorrow, Hailey and Aiden. I can't get near them and I have to wear a mask but at least I'll see them in person. Did those women come back? Yeah! Not being able to hold my grandkids has been the hardest part of this whole ordeal. I remember how they fit in my arms, how the little ones snuggle their faces into my neck! Oh well, only about two more weeks, hopefully. I want to take time to shout out to all the people at the LAUSD transportation branch at all the garages and FMO. Thank you all for your prayers and emails, I love them and I'll answer every one (the emails, not the prayers! LOL!) I know FMO sounds like one of the medicines that I've been taking but its our Fleet Maintenance Office and they have a bunch of good people working there. I have had the privilege of working at every garage except Gardena, but I have worked with a lot of their people at other places. I miss you all and hope to see you again soon. No really, I'll see you soon!
IN HIS HANDS,
Ernie

Jan 1

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! I had a party in my room last night, well sort of. They gave me one tablet of Benadryl and I slept better than I have since I've been here. I'm going to ask for one again tonight cause I felt a little better today. I've been getting headaches the last two days about mid-day. I got a fever again today but haven't asked for tylenol yet, maybe it will just pass. My red cells were at 8.1 so they are giving me two bags of transfusion as soon as they can get it, what's another bag or two, huh? LOL! Mary got here early again and our visit was good, we watched football, yeah! I have been working nights for 4 years and my sports watching has been cut way down. On Sundays I go to church and then we usually do something together so I haven't seen much football either. Deb and Dana came a little later and brought tacos and lasagna. (I chose a taco) My granddaughter Hailey is still sick and when I talked to her on the phone she said, "I'm sick too, Papa!" I told her we were praying for her, that I loved her and would see her after a while. Before they gave me the transfusions they gave me Benadryl again. This time it had the opposite effect, it's 11:30pm and I'm still wide awake. I did finish the transfusion about 20 minutes ago. For something different I put on a mask (I need to put one on every time I go out of my room) and went into the waiting area, pulling Baxter all the while. Just for something to do I walked from one end of the waiting area to the other over and over for a little excercise. I hope it helps me sleep. I still feel pretty good. I get those fevers about 3pm every day but they seem to be getting milder. One of the nurses told me today that I would definitely be really sick before I go home, but other nurses and the doctor too told me I might not get any more symptoms than the ones I have. One thing I know is that I don't know a whole lot! LOL! It's true, its all a waiting game, the doctor doesn't even know how my body will respond so she can't give my any time line. I want to go home so bad but I know I need to be here. The walls of my room are very familiar now, too familiar, think they'd let me paint in here? Do a mural? I could paint a picture of my time in "the room" and then the next person would know what happened here, like in the cave man days. (no disrespect to cave men!!!) I had the lasagna for dinner (they warmed it in the microwave) and I'm not sure but I think my appetite is coming back a little, that would be good!!! Its really hard to force yourself to eat, especially when its hospital food. I know, in an earlier blog I said the food here was good. After eating the food here for a little over a week, I can say that it all starts looking and smelling alike, but I'm not complaining Lord, I thought the manna thing was a great idea!!! LOL! Well, enough rambling for now.
I would like to wish everyone a very happy new year and may this year's resolution be to understand the bible's clear promise that we can know for sure that we're going to heaven someday. It was pretty exciting for me when I found this out and I love talking about it because now I don't have to guess anymore! If anyone wants to know more, please email me. May God richly bless you all.
IN HIS HANDS,
Ernie